


The Art of War

by Jaxiferous



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Comfort, Family, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Family Fluff, Funny, Gen, Hilarity Ensues, Original Character(s), Slapstick, Supernatural Elements, Teacher-Student Relationship, Team as Family, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 20:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1523990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaxiferous/pseuds/Jaxiferous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world is a dangerous place for an Exorcist, and most of them train for years before they ever get within spitting distance of an Akuma. Unfortunately, the Valdis siblings don't have this luxury, considering Generals are harder to find than hen's teeth, and they're overburdened. To fix the problem, each sibling is paired up with an Exorcist or two for training. Mag, the eldest, must handle the separation and grit her teeth (while narrating with dark humor of course) as she suffers her worst trial: training at the hands of the Junior Bookman and Kanda Yuu.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introducing: Family Circus!

The China Town district is a place full of noise, sound, and food. I liked going here because I can find anything I need for a fair price, and the people are nice… well, if you can speak Chinese. Okay, pigeon-Chinese. Most of the people here had managed to learn a bit of English, and some of us English speakers manage to make some noises that sound like Chinese. The China Town here in Bangkok is nice, but it also has a lot of Thai speakers, and Thai is what I consider a drunk man's language. Lily loves it, but that's because the language is just as air headed as she is.

So you understand why I was angering a Thai proprietor in his shop after trying to pronounce a word on the menu that I didn't quite understand.

"It sounds exactly the same!"

"No! No! Not same, is not same! Tuh mai cao chai, khap! It like this."

He said it again, and I followed suit, but for some reason unknown to me I somehow butchered the language for the umpteenth time. I sighed as he remonstrated me yet again, and I told him that I would figure it out later. I pointed to it on the menu, and he understood well enough. He seemed relieved and tired all at once, so he bowed to me and said, "Khap. Khap kun khap, Nong Mag. Your tea be here less than five minute."

He walked off to make Cha Nom Yen, a Thai milk tea that was supposed to be heavenly in this unearthly hot climate. I couldn't stand the heat here, but I didn't have much of a choice. The closest Exorcist team that they could send in had been in Beijing while we were in Jakarta. 

The boat ride had been hell. The traffic had been hell. The heat was hell. I was half convinced I'd walked straight into Hell. I wouldn't be surprised.

As much as I would've loved to be here for linguistic purposes, my motives for being in a country with heat that could be confused for holy fury was purely Vatican. I am an Exorcist, if not a very good one. I destroy Akuma, which are basically robotic zombies with guns attached to them. They came in different sizes and shapes after Level One, and that was when I needed a little help. Of course, this was also my reason for being here.

Over the past six months, somehow my family managed to become Accommodators. Every last stinking one of them. I thought I was going to have to hang myself. As if I didn't worry enough about my family as it was, I had to figure out how to deal with them all having supernatural weapons and fighting creatures that could easily turn all of them into dust, quite literally. I was getting cold sweats just thinking about it.

I put my head down on the cold surface of the table and groaned. I was here to negotiate terms upon how to put my siblings up for apprenticeships under various Exorcists. The Generals were all overburdened at the moment having already lost two of their number. Kevin Yeegar had died earlier this year, and Cross Marian had also disappeared off the face of the earth. No one was quite sure where he was, and I couldn't say that I felt sorry for him. Rumor had it he committed suicide, but I wasn't one to jump to conclusions until I saw everything for my own eyes. We were being assigned to senior Exorcists who weren't Generals, but who were competent enough to actually receive students. All of them had been chosen carefully- or so Komui told me. I had the distinct feeling he may have picked them all out of a hat.

I looked around. The negotiators they'd sent me hadn't exactly been described to me in so many words. They'd said I would 'know them when I saw them.' I wasn't quite sure what this meant, but I had to trust their judgment. My eyes scanned the small tea shop, wondering what I was going to do now. 

At least, I would see them before they would see me. There were mirrors everywhere. According to Lily, the mirrors were for reflecting fortune all over the shop. The Asians were big into fortune and luck. If it worked was anyone's guess. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror on a pillar not far from me.

My hair was frizzy and wavy in the heat, and it poof-ed in a halo of dark brown. My eyes had dark smudges from nights of throwing up ( I hadn't listened to Lily when she said not to drink the water). My irises were two smears of orange-brown, and the light didn't do my pale skin color any good. I slammed my forehead back into the table again. I looked awful. I hated this meeting. I hated that any of my family were Exorcists in the least way, shape, or form. I hated the idiot Innocence crystals I had to go after because most of what I brought home ended up turning them into Accommodators.

I thought the year I turned fifteen had been the worst of my life. I think I was wrong.

Seeing the man with my tea, I stood up automatically to take it from him. Being myself, I ended up smashing into someone first, and the tea they'd been carrying splattered everywhere on to my black uniform. I let out a surprised shout, and my server put the tea down and got some napkins. The only thing I noticed about the person I'd smacked into was the fact they had a long ponytail and a solid body.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you! Here, let me help you, Miss-" I stumbled hastily in English before realizing that this person probably didn't speak English. In fact, they was muttering some rather profane things in under their breath, and I took a couple of napkins to clean the jacket off. They flinched a bit, but I didn't notice considering my own sisters and brothers did the same thing. As I helped her clean off her black jacket, I suddenly came across the Rose Cross over the left side of her jacket, and I immediately looked up.

I nearly crapped my pants after that.

They were tall, dark, and very male. Whoever he was didn't look happy at being mistaken for a woman.

"-ter. Mister, uh, I should just-"

I thought he was steaming up enough to cook potstickers. I tried to shrink. I gulped and sat down, playing with my napkin and not daring to look up at him. I leaned by face into my hand in a sort of slash-fail moment, and I said in English, "I am so sorry. I, uh, I didn't get a good look at you. I automatically thought-"

I took my tea and sucked it down so that I didn't say anymore things that could possibly lead to my decapitation.

"Mm," was all he offered in response, sliding into the chair across from me, the heat radiating off of him almost cooking me. He was really, really pissed. Then again, I don't think I'd be all that happy if someone mistook me from a guy. Which some people did, when it was from the back and my hair was short on a dark night and it was foggy…

"Eh, Yuu-chan! You found her!" 

Suddenly, a person-shaped blob of red, green, and black scooted into the booth next to the Japanese man, and squished him against the far wall. Yuu shoved him back for good measure and growled in near-perfect English, "Don't call me that, baka usagi." I snorted a bit, nearly sucking tea into my nose. Idiot Rabbit? What a fond nickname.

The other guy was a red head with an eye patch and a green head band holding back his hair. He had a green eye, and looked like the type that joked around a lot. He and my sister Violet would've had a riot together, but chances were I'd never let her near him. One rabble rouser was enough for me. Two was just asking for a disaster. The twins and Violet were a volatile enough combination as it was. He looked nice enough, though, and that was a plus. It weighed out the fact that the other guy was still simmering like a pot left on too long.

A server came up to them and asked them what they wanted in both English and Thai. The redheaded man answered in unaccented Thai, and the Japanese man merely pointed to the menu. The server nodded and whipped away to get the drinks. I sighed and looked up at both of them. They were an odd pair, and I suddenly realized what the Order had meant when they said I would 'know them when I saw them.' These guys stuck out a mile in a country of dark skinned brunettes. The Japanese guy was pale as the moon, and his hair was blue-black, while his companion would've fit in if he were in Ireland.

"Ah, you must be Magnolia!" the redhead assumed cheerfully. He stuck out his hand over the table and said, "I'm Lavi, Junior Bookman."

"Or the Idiot Rabbit," the Japanese man muttered. Lavi stolidly ignored that comment, and I shook his hand.

"You can, uh, just call me Mag. Magnolia sounds… stuffy," I said. I hated people calling me by my whole name. I don't know what gave my mother the idea to name me after a flower, but I did know that my mother most likely had been drunk. Of course, all of my sisters are named after flowers. 

"You shouldn't have told him that," the Japanese man said with a deep sigh. He leaned back in the booth and stared off over my head, looking bored and suspicious all at once. I wasn't surprised. Even Lavi looked a bit on guard. Any good Exorcist was always prepared. There was a reason why I was as tense as a wire all the time. I had had to beat it into Violet and Lily that anyone anywhere could fire on you, but it had taken a few close misses for them to really get the message.

"Awww, don't be such a downer, Kanda," Lavi said with a playful pout. Their tea came, and they left it untouched for the moment. I felt sweat drip down the middle of my back. That was a bad sign. This meant they actually wanted to talk to me. I wasn't a bad speaker, but guys made me nervous and for good reason. Even here in daylight, I had to beat my stomach into submission to quit it from sending me 'bad vibe' alerts. I usually paid good attention to them, but they were about as useless as a dead chicken in a bar fight when I was around people of the male persuasion.

"Anyways, you know what we came here to talk about, right?" Lavi asked. He raised one red, expectant eyebrow. I chewed my bottom lip and started to rip small tears into the napkin in front of me.

Note: the napkin is made of cloth. Not paper.

"Yeah. Yeah I do," I said, trying to keep my voice fairly level and failing miserably. It squeaked a bit, and I felt like kicking myself in the head. I could do it, too, if you gave me a shoe that was loose enough. 

Lavi smiled sympathetically, and Kanda had a magnificent poker face. I tried not to look so nervous, but that probably made it worse because Lavi took my hands to stop me from decimating any more of the restaurant's napkins.

"I know you're not up for this sort of thing, but if we don't find someone who can teach them, eventually they're going to come up against something they won't know how to fight," Lavi said, and I believed him. I just didn't like the idea of any of my family being farther than I could see them. Hell, I was getting cramps right now! Curse me and my anxiety…

Though I bet my family was having a ball without me. They usually did.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Just… just tell me what I've got to do, and I'll do it," I said after a slight break.

Lavi put on a winning smile and said, "All righty then! See, not so hard, right?" 

I blinked and let my mouth flop like a fish on a deck.

"W-wait, what?"

Lavi tapped the table with his fingers and said, "All you had to do was give us permission. We've got the teachers picked out for all of them. Their Innocence should match up with their teachers, so it's easiest for them. We would've put you with General Klaud, but she's already got a student at the moment who's a bit of a handful." At this, Kanda seemed to snort, and Lavi snickered. I suddenly felt sorry for General Nyne, but it wasn't for long. She was a tough cookie, by all accounts.

"We're just here to run things by you and see if you can make any matches that are better. You've been teaching them, haven't you?" I groaned a bit. I had, but I didn't know much myself. It was the blind leading the blind around here, though we somehow managed to survive for an entire year without too many mishaps.

Though I still felt sorry for accidentally whipping my brother Erastus in the balls. He spoke like a mouse for an entire week.

Lavi chuckled and said, "Well, here's the line-up. Seeing as you're a whip wielder, as well as an element wielder, you have two teachers. You have me, and you have Yuu-chan here."

"Don't call me that!"

"Ah, come on, you know you love it! Anyways, your sister Lily is with Kanda's old teammate, Noise Marie. He's also a sound type wielder," he explained. 

I nodded. He handed me a couple of folders, and I flipped through them as he continued to speak.

"The twins Erastus and Sebastian are two interesting cases, so we weren't very sure who to put them with. I've never seen two people with that type of Innocence before…" Lavi said, scratching his chin and thoughtfully staring at the ceiling.

Kanda finished for him. "We stuck them with Allen Walker because of their gender and age. Hopefully, they get along with each other. If not, they'll just have to suck it up." I almost laughed out loud as I considered my twin brothers.

Their Innocence manifestations were strange. They took the form of two swinging incense burners that let loose different types of smoke and gas with different effects. Mostly, they were soporifics that made the Akuma incredibly drowsy, but it was best that they not fight with Equipment users because the only people immune to the effects were Parasitic types and themselves. Pairing Allen with them was a good match.

"Yeah, tell me about it. Unfortunately, they managed to figure out a diversion tactic they call the 'Nose Melter.' It's a stink bomb, and I will be glad to have them gone, for once," I said with a slightly fake laugh. Okay, I wouldn't be happy, but at least I didn't have to hold my nose every time I went into their room. They made a big enough stink as it was without any help. I flipped through Allen's dossier. I'd heard of him, and I'd worked with him only once on a mission in Germany. He wasn't exactly the twins' type, but I figured they'd get along.

"The next on the list is Violet. She'll be with Lenalee considering her Innocence sticks to her feet. Allen's and Lenalee's group will be put together for safety reasons considering their age," Lavi explained. I nodded, half an ear out for what he was saying as I flipped through Lenalee Lee's file. I'd already heard enough about her from Komui chirping in my ear, so I didn't see a lot that I didn't already know.

"And finally, Ava," Lavi said cheerfully, and I felt my heart slowly rip itself in half.

Ava was only three years old. She was selectively mute. After a house fire about a year ago, she'd clammed up, and fire scared the bejesus out of her. If I lit candles, she'd never move from the spot she was sitting at, and so far no psychiatrist I'd gone to could figure out how to get her to talk. I never lit fires, even in winter. They scared her enough that she wouldn't eat or sleep. It pained me that she'd somehow manage to mistake Innocence for candy after I'd let her take a look at it.

She'd ended up half-dragon, or something like it. She burps fire, sprouts wings, and enjoys ripping up furniture. My property damages bill forever skyrocketed after Ava went Grendel on me. At least she could get shot and not char to bits…

"We've paired her up with Aleister Krowley-" My eye twitched as I looked up and lurched forwards over the table.

"The vampire?!" 

I think the dogs across the street howled as my voice entered the region of hearing no human should be able to achieve.

Lavi tried to calm me, waving his hands in front of him in a 'it's okay' motion.

"H-he's perfectly harmless, I promise! He looks scary, and I know he doesn't have a good reputation, but if there aren't Akuma around he's an angel! Really! Kuro-chan wouldn't hurt a fly," Lavi assured me. 

I felt my eye twitch, and I put a finger over the lid. Sleepless nights and anxiety were getting to me. Being a translator and an Exorcist had its downsides. One of them being that endangering my health was an occupational hazard. The other being that I begin muttering to myself in a myriad of different languages, and most people begin to think I'm a little crazy.

Of course, going insane was just another risk on a long list. Perhaps I was already crazy. I had to be, to take this job.

Lavi added, "Because Ava's so young, Krow-chan is paired up with Noise Marie and Lily." That made me feel a bit better. Noise looked like he was competent, and Lily knew most of Ava's ins and outs well enough to take care of her without me.

"Okay. Is there anything else I need to know?" I asked, my voice sounding weary and threadbare even to me. I wasn't cut out for this type of work. I really wasn't. What was with God and his weird sense of humor that he sent a teenage girl to do a soldier's job?

"MAAAAGGIIIE!"

I ducked, scrunching my face up into a sheepish grimace. I'd know that voice anywhere. She either followed me, asked around, or decided she was fed up with the twins, Lily, and Ava.

With a slow turn of the head that would've done a horror movie director proud, I looked behind me to see a girl with short, short hair sticking up in tufts in the heat. Her namesake purple eyes stood out a mile in the tea shop full of Asians, and her angled face was set in an expression of careless annoyance. She cast her eyes around and found me, her eyes lighting up. She trotted over like an excited puppy, a smile splitting her face in half. She tackled me in a hug, her arms around my neck, and squealed, "MAGGIE! Oh my gosh, I was so bored. You won't believe what Erastus and Sebastian did! They-… Who're these two? And is that a girl or a guy? I can never tell with Asians."

I swore that if Vi didn't shut up soon, Kanda was going to have a stroke because the vein in his forehead was beginning to look like a balloon. Lavi snickered- well, until Violet asked, "And what's with the Mexican pirate?" 

Lavi blinked, and frowned. "Uh, I'm actually-" 

Violet went on as if she hadn't even heard him.

"Anyways, the twins busted your room. They were playing with the Censers, and they ended up smoking it out with the Nose Melter," Violet said gleefully, as if she were telling me something that was supposed to be fantastic news. Okay, it was fantastic news for her because she loved seeing me beat up the twins, but I was less than peachy keen.

I smacked my forehead into the table.

"They didn't get Tipsy, did they? Or Mr. Fluffins?" I asked. Kanda made a sound between a snicker and a snort, and Lavi didn't even bother hiding a guffaw. My sister Lily named the cat, Mr. Fluffins. It wasn't my doing!

"Er, well… they sort of did. And Parley isn't very happy either. He keeps threatening the twins with castration because it stinks so bad," Violet giggled. I shot her a nasty look as English speakers turned to look at her, and Violet disregarded everything.

You have to understand that Violet is basically impervious to the opinions of the people around her. Violet believes she is ten foot tall and bulletproof. She also has a mouth only a sailor could love, and that just barely. The things that come out of her mouth are the stuff of old biddies' nightmares. She's as scandalous as scandalous could get.

I wondered if it was a heritable trait. Her father was an American, after all.

"I get the picture, Violet. Now, if you don't shut up I'm going to go and get my sewing kit, hold you down, and stitch your mouth shut," I said in a honey-sweet voice. Violet's smile suddenly turned into plaster, and she put up a finger.

"I'm, uh, just going to leave now. Nice meeting you, Femme Fatale and Mexican Pirate!" They just stared at her, and, worst of all, she waved. After that, she left with nary a hair out of place, leaving a dumb silence behind her as everyone watched her leave.

"Okay, two questions; who was that and who is Mr. Fluffins, Tipsy, and Parley?" Lavi finally managed to choke out without becoming incomprehensible due to an overload of laughter. I gave him a dry look and answered, "That was my sister, Violet. Mr. Fluffins is Lily's cat, Tipsy is the twins' dog, and Parley is Ava's parrot who has a very lengthy and rather inappropriate vocabulary. Now, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to clean out my room before the smell sinks into everything."


	2. Ordered Chaos

_"Krawk, I'm gonna have yer balls, kraaawk!"_  
  
"Parlay, why don't you stick a cork in it?"  
  
Erastus was busy beating out a rug that had belonged to the hotel. I say _had_ because it stank so bad that they would be force to sell it before the hotel inspector made his usual visit. It let out coughs of dust and green clouds of gas as he beat it with a tennis racket he'd found God knows where. His brother Sebastian was joining in with equal fervor, and they kicked up a good head of green cloud. I coughed into my elbow, waving away the green clouds and their acrid smell. Even the clean air from the balcony didn't do much.  
  
"I don't understand what gave you the yen to suddenly fling the Censers around in an enclosed space. The last time you did that, I had to drag your unconscious asses out of a collapsing building because the smell was so bad," I coughed, my hand failing to get rid of the smell.  
  
Erastus fixed that by taking his Censer and swinging it around in a quick circle, the censer and chain becoming a blur as the smoke was drawn back inside the bulb of the censer. It was an ornate thing, and you wouldn't have thought such a foul reek could be emitted from something so pretty-looking. The smoke and most of the smell faded, but there was still a ghost of an odor clinging to the rug.  
  
I held up a shirt I'd gotten from the market two days ago, and the stench wafted off it in waves as I shook it out. I sighed and threw it in an ever growing pile of my clothes. It was completely trashed. It was never going to smell the same way ever again.  
  
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Erastus said.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, it was fun until Censer flew into your bedroom. We sorta lost control over it," Sebastian said sheepishly, hitting the rug again for good measure. It coughed up another wheezing cloud of green, and Lily walked in. Her eyes grew wide, she covered her nose, and immediately left.

My shoulders sagged as she left. Most of the room was cleaned out of the smell, thanks to Censer's ability to recall some of the stink. That didn't meant that there wasn't a fair amount of nastiness left in the hotel. We were being threatened with ejection from the hotel doors if we didn't clean it all up before the day went out. The front desk was already getting complaints from the surrounding rooms.  
  
"I bet you lost control. I don't think I'll ever be able to smell things normally for the rest of my life," I groaned as I picked up my favorite pair of pants. I sniffed them experimentally, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy on his garden balcony give me a funny look. I dropped my pants and started to wave my hands at him.  
  
"N-no, no, no, that's not what-"

The guy hastily went inside and closed his doors, and I could only sigh. The twins were snickering to themselves, and I felt my eye twitch for the second time that day. My whip uncurled itself from my belt and somehow _magically_ gave both twins a good enough whack to their butt cheeks that they jumped and screamed.  
  
I whistled innocently as they glared at me. My whip was a comforting weight against my hip as I picked up another garment to sniff and judge. At the moment, it looked like the pile of clothes I was going to have dump was winning the contest for size. I flopped into my pile of good clothes (which was pitifully tiny in comparison), and I had the urge to cry.  
  
Suddenly, the phone rang, and the twins looked up expectantly, Pavlov's theories apparent as they just about bolted for the phone. However, Violet got to it first, her girl's intuition probably alerting her to the phone before it even began to ring. Violet could be scary-intuitive when it came to new technology. This was just one instance.  
  
"Hello?" she sing-songed into the phone. There was a voice on the other end, and she suddenly asked, "Um, are we asking for the right girl? I mean, I think Mag's at a gynecologist right now, cleaning out all the cobwebs." I worked my way towards the telephone, Lily dying of laughter on the floor in the kitchenette as I fumed silently. I snatched the phone away from Violet and barked, "Hello?"  
  
"Eh? Magnolia, is that you?"  
  
I blinked several times, and Violet mouthed to Lily 'boyfriend' and winked exaggeratedly. I made a cutting motion across my throat, and that only made the both of them giggle even more.  
  
"Yeah, it is. Could you hang on a minute? I don't want you to be scarred for life from the noises you're about to hear."  
  
Five minutes, several screams, and a stuffing-in-the-closet later, I was back on the phone.  
  
"Yes?" I asked sweetly, leaning against the table. I heard several protests and beatings against the closet door, so I kicked the door. It got eerily quiet.  
  
"Uh, well, Allen had an idea. He's here with me, and he wants to talk, sooo…" There was a crinkle noise as the phone was handed to another person.  
  
"Hello? Miss Magnolia, are you there?" The voice was a high, fluting tenor. It was slightly deeper than I remembered it nearly a year ago, but it was still recognizable. It made me absurdly happy to hear a former teammate, but I reigned in my enthusiasm; no need to freak out the kid. It was always good to know that a fellow Exorcist was still alive because our life spans were usually so short. It made me feel a little less alone, despite my family's involvement with the Order.  
  
"Yeah, it's me. Hey there, Allen, you sound good," I said, and I automatically had the urge to kick myself. What was it with me and lame phrases? It wasn't like I was a nervous fifteen-year-old or anything. For all of my abilities with languages, I didn't know how to untie my tongue whenever I was talking on the phone.  
  
"I'm fine, thank you. Glad to hear you're doing good as well," he answered, "I was just wondering if we could meet your family. Most of us are here already in Bangkok. Do you guys have anywhere in mind?"

I thought about it. It was a good idea. None of my family had been away from me for so long. In fact, none of them had ever been away from each other for very long. This would probably be a good way to ease them into it.  
  
"Mag!"

I turned to look in the direction of the stage whisper. Violet had managed to open the closet door, and her head was sticking out with Lily's right over hers.  
  
I gave her a wide-eyed, 'get-back-in-there' type stare, but,being impervious to stares, glares, and the like, she continued on.  
  
"Who is it? Did he ask you on a date?" Violet stage whispered, and Lily giggled madly. I was tempted to close the door on both of their heads, but hospital bills were costly, and I'd rather not have to deal with two complaining siblings.  
  
"Uh, no, not really. What did you have in mind?" I asked. There was a pause, and the sound of muffled talking as Allen and Lavi mumbled to one another. Finally, they seemed to reach a conclusion, and they both said into the phone, "What about Phuket?"

I thought about it a little bit.  
  
Phuket is a large island to the south of Siam, and it was famous for hospitality, limestone caverns, and all types of strange things. It wasn't too heavily populated, and I've heard the people were nice. There were also hotels on the island, so we didn't have to camp out anywhere. There were a lot of beaches, and they were famous for their food. It sounded like a good idea, but I didn't know if we could take off a couple of days just for an icebreaker.  
  
"Are you sure? I mean, what about the Akuma? And the Innocence retrievals…" I trailed off, letting the rest of the idea sink in.

There was a slight pause as they digested the information, and Lavi answered, "Well, see, we don't have to worry about that too much. There are plenty of Exorcists from Asia taking care of infestations, and besides, we're a bit of nuisance to them as it is because we aren't used to the environment and the language."

I nodded in agreement emphatically. I'd experienced that all too well. I preferred dry, cold Europe any day to this miserable, wet heat. The garbled speech they called language was also enough to give me a hammer to the head as well.  
  
"Well… I don't see anything wrong, so… ," I said hesitantly. I wasn't exactly what you'd call a fun person. I was a workaholic, and even I admit that. I'm so ingrained in work that things other people consider 'fun' seem foreign to me. From the closet, Lily and Violet were nodding so much, they looked like a pair of bobble heads. I rolled my eyes at them, turning away from them to show that I wasn't listening to them at the moment. I could almost feel Violet's pout and Lily's downtrodden look.  
  
"Fantastic! We'll meet you tomorrow at your hotel! Is that all right?" Lavi asked.

Allen said, "Be sure to bring lots of sunscreen or a parasol. It gets really sunny on the island, when it isn't raining."

Great. If there's one thing I hate worse than being completely drenched, it's getting a sunburn. Asia didn't exactly suit me. I loved the culture enough, and my mind was completely agog at everything, but my body wasn't too pleased with the climate or the food. I spend most of my time hugging the toilet.  
  
"Yeah, sure. What time?" I asked with a distracted look as I eyed the twins having another fight with Censer. I glared at them as Erastus caught my eye, and I made a chopping action across my neck. They shrugged and quit, but they started to hit each other with their respective Innocence again. I could only slap my forehead and groan. This was, no doubt, how my room ended up smelling like a cesspool.  
  
"We'll pick you up around eight. How does that sound? Good enough?"

I nodded in agreement before saying, "Yeah, that sounds good. I'll just round everybody up and we'll pack."

There was a pause and a line of chatter over the phones before Lavi asked, "Do you want us to come to your hotel room, or do you want us to wait in the lobby?"

Looking at the hotel room, I could almost see the stench wafting off everything. Though I'd gotten used to the smell, as well as Violet and Lily, I think the rest of the Exorcists would have a hard time keeping breakfast where it belonged if they came up here.  
  
"Uh, the lobby's fine. Really, just... we'll meet you there."

I thought I heard snickering on the other end of the line, and I looked up to see that Erastus and Sebastian were listening on the other phone. I threw my shoe at them, and it managed to bounce off one twin's head and hit the other on the rebound. I smiled smugly as they whined. I stuck out my tongue, and I could still hear snickering.  
  
"This is about your brothers gassing your room, isn't it?"

I sighed and looked at the handset in my hand. I slammed it down on the cradle. Hopefully, he heard that. If he was wearing a patch over his ear as well as his eye the next time we met, I wouldn't be surprised at all. I'd done worse to a man over the phone. Sighing heavily, I turned around to face the girls crawling out of the closet.  
  
"Go and get your brothers before I strangle them with the phone cord. We leave tomorrow at eight. Bring your swimsuits and your sunscreen, because we're going to Phuket." The two of them screamed giddily, and I think I my eardrums came dangerously close to busting inwards and causing brain damage.

Sighing, I muttered, "God, you don't have to mope over it so much." My sarcasm didn't seem to do much to their enthusiasm, and I wandered off the salvage the rest of my clothes.

* * *

  
  
"Don't forget to keep the dog off the bed. I know how much you love keep Tipsy with you in the middle of the night," I said as I pushed Vi's bangs away from her forehead.

The fifteen-year-old rolled her eyes and groaned in an insolent tone, "All right, Mom, I'll keep Tip off the bed."

Said dog was currently wagging his shaggy little behind off. Tip is a cross between a Great Dane, a Bernard, and a bull elephant. The only reason why I named him Tipsy is because when I happen to start tippling, so does he- sad thing is, I don't even know it until half of my bottle of whiskey is gone for no apparent reason. He whined at me and nudged my knee with his giant, wet, clay ball of a nose, turning his brown eyes at me with a pleading look. I glared at him, and he circled around the bottom of the bed a few times before he got the idea that he was not going to sleep here. He settled at the foot of the bed, shaggy fur rug that he was, and I stood up.  
  
"We're leaving early tomorrow, remember?" I said.

Vi nodded sleepily before reaching over to the light and dimming it. I rubbed Tipsy's head, and he pressed against my hand eagerly. I smiled tiredly, and I closed the door behind me. Sure enough, the minute I left, I could hear bedsprings creak as Tipsy clambered up on Vi's bed like he does every night. I shook my head. My word means about as much as crap on toast. Absolutely nothing.  
  
I wandered over to the twin's room. Sure enough, they were both collapsed on the bed in their customary fashion, one on top of the other in sprawled positions as if someone had thrown them there like rag dolls. Their blondish-brown mess of hair was set in disarray, and one of them had his mouth wide open. The other emitted a loud snore, and one of them farted, I don't know which. I rolled my eyes and closed the door before any more boy-stench could ferment this place more than it had already been abused.  
  
Lily's room was next, and, as per usual, she was sleeping with her cat. Parlay's cage was covered, and the black and white cat was sleeping in the curve behind Lily's perfect knees. Her black hair was strewn out on the pillow, and her Spanish heritage showed in the thick set of her face as well as her sallow skin. Her hands were curled up around a Catholic style crucifix and a flute. I felt a sense of calm settle on me as I watched her sleep.

Ava usually slept with Lily, but tonight she was in the kitchen downing a glass of milk. It took us several minutes of 'hand language' for her to tell me what she wanted, but she managed. I already heard the patter of soft feet behind me before I felt the weight of her body hug my leg. I looked down at her and her little, curly pig tails, big green eyes imploring me as she lifted her hands and made grabbing motions.  
  
"Ugh... Ava, you're too old for this, remember? I'm going to end up a hunchback if I do this every night," I said to her. She continued with the cute, little grabby motions before I finally consented and lifted her up. She hugged my neck, and I kissed the top of her head. She was wearing a little night dress that I'd worn myself when I was her age. Vi and Lily had worn it too. Most of the things that we owned were passed down, child to child. Even the boys' clothing were passed from me or Lily. It was a sad fact that I still didn't have enough money to pay for all of them, but we managed most days. I was steadily building up a good sized account in the bank, and they were starting to get new things.  
  
"Come on. Let's put you in bed, all right?" I cooed to her, and she sighed as I quietly walked over to Lily's bed. I placed Ava gently next to Lily, and Ava took her usual position, with her arms around Lily's neck and her face snuggled into her shoulder. The parrot nearly squawked something, but a stare from me that could fry chicken shut him up. Ava had found him in Paraguay, and she'd been attached to him ever since. He knew a variety of curse words as well as inappropriate phrases that I'm guessing came from Violet, because I have no idea where else he could've learned all of that nasty dialogue. I closed the door behind me with a quiet snick of the lock, one last look showing the peaceful faces of two of my siblings.  
  
I slowly treaded towards my own bedroom, and I stopped in front of my bedroom door. My hand strayed to the watch in my pocket. I pulled it out, reading the time as nearly midnight. This wasn't anything new either. In fact, I was going to bed pretty early by my count of things. I was an insatiable insomniac with a habit of puttering around at night, especially in places like Asia where the heat was sure to keep you awake all night until around two in the morning when it got cooler. My eyes glued themselves to the picture inside of the pocketwatch of myself, Lily, Erastus, and Sebastian. My mother stood behind me, and behind Erastus was...  
  
I didn't let my mind stray too far on that subject as I closed the watch with a soft sound. I bit my lip as I stared at the floor, and then I pressed on into my room. This was a cogitation for a completely different time when I wasn't likely to use a bottle of liquor as my method of rumination. I'd sworn off strong spirits, but every now and again I collapsed a bit. No one blamed me for it... well, no one but myself. And maybe Violet. Definitely Violet.  
  
Hypocrite. Her getaway is annoying the hell out of the nearest person. That's a whole other ballpark, as her father would've said. I sighed as I collapsed on my bed, fully dressed. Nothing like a day in the life of an Exorcist. My thoughts drifted around in my head, and I sniffled. Suddenly, I realized that I was crying for no apparent reason, and I buried my face into my pillow. Some days, I didn't know what was wrong with me. Other days, I knew what it was, but I didn't want to admit it.  
  
And there were days where I wanted to scream at God, 'Why must children fight your war?' Because the reason I was coming close to what was practically a mental meltdown was the fact that, on their own, they'd be facing the ugly face of death with guidance from a stranger. In a sort of perverse way, I was jealous. I wanted to be there for them, to comfort and help them. They knew what death looked like already, but the softened, slow version you only saw in a hospital bed surrounded by people. Fighting, though, the rigors of war, the horrific sights of the dying were a completely different matter.  
  
And I wouldn't be there. The thought revolved in my head as I immediately drifted off for whatever slumberland was waiting for me.

* * *

  
  
A baht coin flipped in the air, turning end over end before landing in the middle of Lavi's palm. He looked around the room at the Exorcists camped out on the bed or the floor. They were awfully tired, and the heat of the day had sapped their energy. Given a few days, they'd adjust, but at the moment they were about as useful as a couple of wet noodles. Kanda was sprawled out in a bed while Allen was slouching in a chair. He himself was leaning against a wall, watching the two of them and making sure they didn't kill each other.  
  
"What do you think about Mag, Allen? You've worked with her before, haven't you?" he asked brightly.

Allen looked at Lavi with an exhausted expression as if to say 'why do you have to ask me now?' Lavi's irrepressible attitude towards everything certainly could get annoying some days, but Allen was determined to stay positive. He forced himself to lean forwards in his chair, and he answered, "She's all right. I mean, she can be a little up tight, and if she's away from her family for too long she gets... antsy."

Allen smiled with a slight wince. The last time he'd worked with the older Exorcist had been nearly five months ago. She had tried to hide her anxiety, but it was obvious she was starting to worry.  
  
"She's annoying," Kanda put tersely, and Lavi scoffed.  
  
"You're just angry she accidentally called you Miss. Face it, Kanda, with hair like yours, I could've mistaken you for a girl, and I actually know you." A shoe suddenly collided with his head, and he fell on the floor, his visible eye twitching. Allen stood up suddenly as it processed that Lavi'd been floored with an airborne projectile.  
  
"Kanda! That's not-"  
  
"Nice? Yeah, it's not nice. It's not supposed to be nice," Kanda huffed and turned on his side so he was facing away from the redheaded Bookman.

Lavi sat up and rubbed the growing lump on his head. He pouted and said, "Yuu, what's wrong with you? You can't be in denial forever! The first step to recovery is-"

Another shoe hit him square in the face. Allen, so used to this constant abuse of his fellow Exorcists, didn't even bother to get up. He only sighed and slapped the palm of his hand to his forehead with resignation. These guys wore him out.  
  
"What's Violet like?" Allen asked, trying to lead Lavi in a direction that didn't involve being mauled by shoes. It was amazing the Bookman didn't have brain damage yet, but that may just account for his amazingly thick head. It would surely explain a lot. Lavi looked at Allen with a blank stare for a moment, and Allen was suddenly worried that maybe that shoe had hit him a little too hard. Lavi's face split into a grin, and he snickered. The snicker built into a laugh, and that laugh turned into a guffaw.  
  
"HAHAAA! You'll love Violet! If only Lenalee were here, they'd have a blast. She thought Kanda was a girl-!"

This time, Lavi was hit in the back of the head with Mugen's sheath. Lavi went down like a sack of potatoes on his face, a small noise emitted from his mouth as he fell over. When Lavi didn't get back up, Allen let out a worried little shout, rushing over to him. He flipped the redhead over, little swirlies in the Bookman's eyes. Allen hung his head, chagrined, as he looked down at him, and he could hear Kanda from the bed saying, "Finally, silence. I didn't think I'd be throwing anything hard enough to get him to shut up."

Allen snapped his head around to glare at the Japanese Exorcist. He started to haul Lavi to a bed, grunting every now and then.  
  
"Tell me... about... the others..." Allen said between pulling Lavi to a bed and stopping to catch his breath in the muggy air.

How did Kanda survive? Had he grown gills or something? Allen had seen him do a hundred push ups outside in the courtyard with hardly a sweat while he tried to do only ten pull-ups on a bar dripping buckets. It had to be something about his being a Second Exorcist, or at least his being Asian... Though Lavi did a pretty good job in this horrid heat as well. It might've affected his judgment, though, considering how he was acting right now. His usual recovery time from Kanda's abuse was lagging at the moment, considering Allen was dragging him across the floor right then.  
  
"I haven't met them yet. I bet they're just as bad as Violet is," Kanda grumbled irritably, and Allen suddenly regretted having said anything. Of course, Kanda would automatically fire back with something like that.

Lavi now lying prostrate on the bed, legs and arms sprawled out in different directions, Allen flopped on another bed. Tomorrow they'd meet them, and hopefully they wouldn't be targeted. From what they knew, these were all beginners or intermediate fighters. They hadn't been seasoned. Mag must've managed to teach them the basics of fighting off Akuma. It wasn't like they were too difficult.  
  
1\. Don't get shot. 2. Don't get shot. 3. Don't trip. 4. Don't get shot.  
  
There was a whole other subset of rules, too, but these were probably the most conclusive directions a person needed if they were dealing with the Akuma and happened to have left their weapon in a hotel room.  
  
Lavi. Psh. Allen didn't think he'd ever seen the Bookman run that fast. Wait, this was actually a lie. He had seen him run that fast. But, it was after an ice cream truck instead of from a gun toting maniacal amalgamation of lunacy and terror that came straight out of Satan's dreams. Still, if you didn't have priorities...  
  
"What's the game plan?" Kanda idly asked, just to say something. Even the silence was thick as the air, and Kanda could swear he was gurgling every time he took a breath. At this rate, he'll have evolved into a man-fish just to accommodate his surroundings. Still, he was dealing with it better than the two sorry excuses for flesh across from him.

Allen sighed as he swung his arm over his face and said, "We'll meet them in the lobby of their hotel on Pratchat Wanathit Road. We get acquainted with our respective students. Lenalee and Krowley won't be with us until next week, though, so it'll just be us three and the five of them. We'll get on a boat, head towards Phuket, and-"  
  
"Practically fry our skin off in the heat."  
  
"Yeah. That."  
  



End file.
